It’s been a while since I’ve updated. I haven’t been able to bring myself to do so. I’m at the end of my treatment; or so I’m told. I have 3 days left of meds and I won’t be taking them. I’m OVER IT!
I’m over people asking me what I’ve done to my hands. Depending on the person, I just say it’s a medication side effect or my chemo meds did this. Funny, doctors couldn’t be bothered to tell me how my hands and feet would dry out. How my skin would peel off in strips (off my feet). How my hands would crack, bust open and make using my using my hands a luxury. Can’t even open a bag of dog treats when my fingers have sores on them. You truly have no idea how much you use your thumbs; until you can’t!
I’m tired of “that look” people give me. They know I have cancer but the pity look sucks. I haven’t changed but am now seen as my disease and not the person I was. I’ve cancelled my upcoming oncology appointment. Why go? For her to ask me the same questions she’s asked for the last 6 months? For her now to tell me to come back in 3 months? For me to remain in limbo if the cancer is still there or if the poison of chemo actually worked? I’d rather not waste my time or what little money I have left. I’ll go next month, if I feel up to it.
I have testing that still has to be done and I just don’t want to do it. Let’s not mention I can’t afford it. Sutter Health Plus is a joke of insurance. There are no native-English speaking, female oncologists in my area. If the insurance is offered for my area, I should have the ability to see a doctor who makes me feel somewhat comfortable. I should be able to understand her. I shouldn’t have to discuss very intimate details with a male doctor. I can waste time traveling over 30-90 minutes away from my home, just to receive the proper care I should already be getting.
I have learned the medical profession has no empathy. They see cancer patients, day in and day out. It’s their routine. They don’t live our lives or suffer our side effects. A few looks of pity from nurses; maybe. Doctors just don’t care. They have a bunch of patients to see and you’re just one of them.
I am angry. I know the medication has played a role in this. My emotions are all over the map and I can’t keep them in check. I have given in to the anger and just want to be left alone. I have been here before. It’s a scary place and hard to leave. I’m pushing people away. I have deactivated Facebook; for now. I just don’t want to interact with anyone.
I am creating a bucket list. I doubt any of it will ever happen. It’s truly the only thing I look forward to; regardless if the items are mostly pipe dreams. I just continue to work, day in and day out, as if nothing is wrong with me. I have taken one, half-day, since I started chemo. The rest of the time, I have been at work.
I continue to pray and I know people are praying for me too. Right now, it’s not any comfort. So, it’s just another day in the life, of the average cancer patient. So, I still exist, but I can’t say I’m living.