life

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Just another cancer – related update

Published July 17, 2018 by lynn k scott

I have been steadily changing my diet over the last couple weeks.  I will have to say, I actually feel a lot better.  To some, the dietary changes may be extreme.  I believe it’s easier for me, from all the other attempts at dietary changes, because my life literally depends on me being successful.

There have been two times I have “cheated”.  They have been small cheats such as eating soy sauce (has gluten) and I forgot the other cheat.  Anyway, since my body has been eating healthier, it really didn’t care for my choice to upset its new-found balance.  I have done those cheats before, but this time the reaction was stronger.  I have dedicated myself to not doing that again.  I really don’t like the reactions I had and repeat performances won’t be necessary.

I am using my new juicer at least every other day.  I am loving the combinations.  I am using less fruit and even added a few new vegetables.  I’m not really a spinach fan, but am finding it’s pretty good mixed with carrots and ginger, among other vegetables.

I am trying new food combinations.  For example, made lentils for the first time the other day.  Yesterday, I made lentil tacos (no cheese or sour cream) and they were really good.  The more I go without dairy, the more I don’t miss it.

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I have been able to lend support to a friend who’s mother is Stage IV in her cancer battle.  It feels nice to be able to give back to a fellow cancer warrior.

I have also decided, I’m not putting off purchases because of “what ifs”.  I am taking back what the cancer tried to steal from me.  It will not be successful in making me second guess my life and its longevity.  As I have stated before, I have handed this over to God and he is in complete control.  He has brought such peace, that I can’t possibly fully describe the feeling.

I recently made a vehicle purchase.  It wasn’t the right time (credit wise), however, my other vehicle chose to push the envelope, so good-bye pickup, hello challenger.

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It’s almost been a year since I heard those horrible words, “you have cancer”.  Gone from sadness to anger to acceptance to fighting.  I will be successful.  I have cancer but it doesn’t have me!

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Cancer Hope

Published July 5, 2018 by lynn k scott

I am part of an online Christian homeschool group.  I have been blessed to part of this group.  They offer support and encouragement in homeschooling and every day living.

I had posted a difficult post asking for some recommendations.  In addition to the information I had asked for, I was given the name of a person to contact.  As it turns out, this person had a very similar diagnosis to mine.

We exchanged messages yesterday and she was the blessing I needed to receive.  After almost a year since diagnosis, I had finally connected to someone I could relate to.  Like I have, she had turned her care over to God after her surgery.  She changed her diet and is now cancer-free.

I am currently in the process of changing my diet.  While science and doctors would admonish my decision to omit their “expert” advice, what I have received so far from them has been less than productive in my battle with cancer.

While I can’t speak for what others should do, I find her story to be extremely encouraging and it has given me new hope; hope I was struggling with.

 

hear me lord

Cancer Journey: Part 16

Published July 2, 2018 by lynn k scott

I believe this will be the last cancer update for some time.

I met my new oncologist this past Friday.  While she seemed genuine and sincere, it was an effort in futility.   I had a complete breakdown when she asked why I was there.  I clearly stated it was because she was my last option for a doctor; based on what the insurance carrier would permit.   She didn’t didn’t take offense; esp. after I explained what I meant.

She wanted to order a PET scan.  Awesome…I can’t stay still, flat on my back for 30-minutes.  She asked if a particular drug would help relax me.  I have no idea as I haven’t had it in almost 30 years.  She said she could order a CT scan, but that might be inconclusive and it’s not as complete as a PET scan.  I still might need a PET scan after the CT scan.  That pretty much sums up the CT scan is not the way to go.  Each of these scans would cost me a $350 copay.  Let’s not even mention having to add an IV to do them.  My veins have been oh-so-cooperative (NOT).

She mentions how I didn’t receive enough chemo.  Gotta love my previous doctors  (I need a “NOT” button).  She went over another option, that wasn’t clearly explained to me by my first oncologist.  So there goes adequate informed consent.

Then, she had the “brilliant” idea of telling me I should see a counselor about my grief for 3/5 of my family being dead (mostly due to cancer).  How about addressing the issue of NO SUPPORT for cancer patients that are still alive and breathing?!  How about offering legitimate financial support.  People are struggling to pay their every day bills.  Add a 20% copay to all their medications (even if each one caps out at $200), that’s still a huge increase every few weeks.  Let’s not mention, the patient probably wouldn’t be working full-time either, so now there’s a loss of income but increase in expenses.  The working person falls through healthcare crack which is the size of the Grand Canyon.

We agreed to start off with more bloodwork after I told her I guess there was nothing she could do for me.  I asked the nurse who was going to talk to the lab about how I’m a hard stick.  She told me I could let them know.  Gee….that’s worked really well in the past…again…NOT!  They make no offer to warm my veins to see if that would help.  They do nothing different than a person who is able to give blood easily.  I drink tepid water already (which was her suggestion).  First, I’m not new to blood draws.  Second, it’s obvious she had no intention of doing anything additional for patient care.

I’m supposed to go back in six months.  The nurse really thought she was going to schedule that after my appointment.  I think not.  IF I were to go back, I would call in.  six months is in December.  I have my daughter’s birthday to deal with.  It would be January at the earliest that I would even consider going back in.

I walked out no further along than I have been these last few months.  I am officially done, at least for the immediate future, with doctors, blood draws, scans and anything else related to this effin diagnosis.

My survival is solely in God’s hands.  I am changing my diet and will be trying CBD oil for cancer patients.  While I will not go gently into that good night, I no longer have any faith in the medical world and their attempts to treat me.

Being the realist that I am, I am now officially putting my affairs in order (just in case).  I will be drawing up a living trust and making my husband add his information because he won’t do it on his own.  We don’t have may assets, but the few we do have need to go to my youngest (as most of it belongs to her dad).

I ask for continued prayers for my health and for the strength to prepare my daughter for the worst case scenario.

The past continues to haunt me

Published June 13, 2018 by lynn k scott

I recently found out my son was getting married.  He is the last of my sons to get married.  I found out, because his older brother mentioned it to me. Back to that in a moment.

I haven’t spoke much about my past (on this topic), but I was married before.  I married at 18-years old and married a VERY abusive man.  I was young and naive.  I don’t regret having four children in my first marriage, but I do regret that he is their father.

I had to literally escape from my ex-husband, in the early morning hours, with only my mother to see off on the Greyhound bus that left NY for CA.  It wasn’t a decision I made lightly, but after two attempts on my life, the joke of legal assistance by NY police and courts, I wasn’t safe.  If I had stayed, my children would have been visiting my grave versus having the option of passing judgement on my decisions and harboring anger toward me.

Long story short, my ex-husband eventually beat a woman he knew, in the face with a brick, over a dispute over $50.00.  The cops failed to do their job.  News staff contaminated the crime scene.  He went to prison on an E-felony instead of a higher charge, which would have kept him behind bars for a longer time.

Needless to say, even 3,000 miles away, I lived my life in fear.  I did attend group counseling for battered women.  At one point, before leaving for CA, I was diagnosed with battered women’s syndrome.  My ex-husband will always be a threat to me.  There is no doubt in my mind.  I haven’t seen him in 21 years and I have no plans to do so.  We only spoke to each other through various court appearances (me appearing by phone).  My children will never know or understand the terror I survived.  While, I have told them I was abused by their father, they don’t have many details or know the extent.  Yet, they still choose him over me.  Simple reason:  I left.

Back to my son getting married.  This son is the one who wants nothing to do with me.  I have been allowed back into my other (adult) children’s lives, in various stages.  I messaged my son and asked for his address to send him a wedding present.  He told me it wasn’t necessary.  I responded that it’s something I wanted to do and I had done the same for his other brothers.

Yesterday, on the anniversary of my sister’s death (one of hardest days of the year) he chose to tell me he didn’t trust me enough with address.  I could give it to his oldest brother to deliver it to him, if I insisted on sending him a gift.

To say I was upset, was an understatement.  Not trust me?  I messaged his brother.  I was expecting some support.  I thought my oldest and I had made a lot of progress.  I was severely mistaken.  He told me he doesn’t accept the choices I made but was trying to understand them.  Then, he felt like twisting the knife that he just lunged into my back, by saying I was lucky any of my kids wanted to have anything to do with me.

WOW!  I had to shut the conversation down.  All the progress I foolishly thought we had made just flew out the window.  At least now I know where I stand; with those two sons.  I also know where I stand with my daughter.

Part of the reason I had my youngest child was 1) my second husband had no children 2) I needed to prove to myself I wasn’t a horrible parent.  I have done everything in my power to be a good mom.

I can’t change the past and I have been trying to make amends for what I felt was the only decision that could be made.  I find it ironic, a convicted, violent felon, who was the reason I left, is more welcomed in their life than I am.

I can only pray one day they will see the light of how serious my situation was at the time.  That my older children will want a relationship with their youngest sibling.  For now, I am done.  The ball in is in their court.  If they choose to end the game, that’s their decision.

 

Angelversary: 6 years

Published June 12, 2018 by lynn k scott

Today marks the 6th angelversary of the loss of my younger sister, Kathi.  This blog was created to honor her memory.  It was also created as my therapy to cope with my survivor’s guilt.  It’s hard losing a sibling, especially one that’s younger than you.

Treasure

Even though my eyes still leak from time to time or they turn into a fountain when memories come rushing back, I have finally found acceptance in her death.  A lot has happened in the last few years and I have grown much closer to God.

Missing you

I can’t begin to understand why she was called Home at the tender age of 37.  I don’t know why her children had to grow up without a mother.  Those questions will remain a mystery as I have stopped looking for an answer.  What will be, will be.

I do know life is precious.  It’s easily wasted with arguments, fights and alienation of family and friends.  Be there for those who need you.  Express affection sooner than later.  We need to live for today, because as life has taught me, no one gets an extension when your time is up.

It’s ok to grieve.  It’s ok to take as much time as you need to process a loss.  I will never get over losing my sister.  However, I can remember her spirit and know she will always be watching over me.  I can continue projects she found important.  I can get the Kathi’s Cares Program into non-profit status so I can show other cancer patients they are not alone.  Cancer, in all forms, is a horrible disease.  It’s time to find a cure and let doctors and pharmaceutical companies know our lives are not for profit.  cancer

Adult Children

Published June 2, 2018 by lynn k scott

I’m a mom to five kids. Four of them are 21+. Two of them have kids of their own. They are from my first marriage. Their father was extremely abusive and our separation/divorce was less than amicable. For years, my children and I didn’t speak often; if at all. One of my sons still refuses to speak to me. I pray that will one day change. I cannot control his emotions or feelings; but everything happens for a reason.

On the flip side, I have a pretty good relationship with my oldest. My youngest son and I have reconnected and are building a great relationship. My oldest daughter still lives with her dad, so we only speak via email, because her father and I have nothing to do with each other; ever.

I can’t begin to describe how I love receiving texts from my oldest telling me how is day is going. Showing me pictures of mulching a flower bed. He sends me pics of my granddaughter in various aspects of her world. Heck, he even surprised me last year by showing up, with his family in tow, and stayed for three weeks. If you don’t have grandchildren yet, holding your grandchild for the first time is a feeling beyond expression.

No matter how old your kids get, they will always be your babies. They will already pull on your heart strings. Sometimes it hurts to hear (or see) the pain life can cause them. Sometimes just being a sounding board is all you can do. While it sucks to feel helpless, it’s comforting you have reached the stage where they want to include you in their lives again.

So, if your parents are still alive (sadly, mine aren’t), give them a call; even if it’s just to say ‘hi’. Send them a text. Until you have grown children of your own, you have no idea how those simple acts will be cherished.

Buh-Bye (Facebook)

Published April 30, 2018 by lynn k scott

I have made the decision to inactivate my Facebook account.  While I have made some amazing friends and have a dozen (or so) friends from church on my page, the ultra-liberalism and negativity of Facebook has become overwhelming.

My life is extremely chaotic and full of serious issues that I have no choice but to deal with.  From dealing with my own cancer diagnosis, my sister’s cancer diagnosis, and some legal issues my a couple of my sons are dealing with, Facebook doesn’t offer the support I need.

I did trial runs, if you will, by shutting off the account for a week or even just a weekend.  I proved to myself, I didn’t need that social platform.  True friends have multiple ways to keep in touch with me.  I started posting more to InstaGram.  I still can see pics of my friends and their children.  I can get spiritual memes from K-Love radio as well.

In my opinion, Facebook has grown too big for it’s britches and I can’t in good conscious support that particular platform any longer.  I have more time for my family and friends, in real life; not online.  It also allows me for more writing here and focusing on what’s important in my life.

I appreciate those who continue to follow me on this crazy journey.  There is definitely more to come….just bear with me.

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